Football miracle?

GEORGE BEST arrives at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter says to him "I'm afraid I can't offer you any football...but we do have a bloke here who can turn water into wine".

Joint effort

THIS indecision on whether or not to legalise marijuana is putting a lot of people out of joint.

Long distance

DIAL-a-prayer keeps you hanging on for an eternity.

Sucking up to the boss

A SURVEY indicates that what workers dislike more than anything else is someone sucking up to the boss. Well, I never suck up to the boss - but she still brings me tea in bed!

Spirited thinking

I like to set a good example by using less water. And I can't say it's much of a sacrifice - the whisky tastes just as good!

Hearty cholesterol

Balanced meal: the greasy thing on your lap at a bush barbecue.

Retaliation

REVENGE is sweet, but has a tendency to turn sour.

Is this a slip up?

I hear that women are becoming apple-shaped rather than pear-shaped. Personally, it doesn't bother me, I like them all...although I must admit that I do draw the line when it comes to women who look like bananas!

How to fail successfully

If at first you don't succeed, try and drag the other buggers down with you!

Love interest

Isn't it great getting Christmas presents from the kids? My bank gives me 25 interest-free days to pay!

Cut short

I never have any luck. When I looked up my family tree - it was a bonsai!

Dog days?

With dogged intensity, the world's forests are being devastated as vast numbers of old growth trees bite the dust. And this is the reason greenies like to hug trees - because they know the bark is better than the bite.

Not too much of it

The spirit of Christmas is in the hands of the giver which, if you're not careful, can put you in the hands of the receiver.

Not the feathered kind

If a lady of the night were to be stricken with avian flu would it be a case of bird floozy?

I'm so grateful

I'm indebted to my mother for her constant love and support, to my father for his advice and encouragement and to my bank...for rather a lot of money!

Christmas in Iraq

Christmas is coming, and it's not so much a Santa Clause that President George W.Bush will be looking for, as an Exit Clause.

D-drivers abound

In the UK, dummies test cars. In Australia - they drive 'em!

In the pink

Listen mates. Sexist terminology sometimes works against the male. But don't worry - she'll be right!

Flat as a pancake

Why do I think the earth is flat? Because some bugger is always trying to blow it up!

Shining example

The Taxation Department: that which takes the shine out of life and transfers it to the seat of your pants!

Perplexed

If the best things in life are free, why do they keep cropping up on my bankcard statement?

Ready, Steady, Go!

We don't have to win the human race...just save it!

Michael Jackson spaced out

For the sake of innocent young boys, Michael Jackson should be encouraged to perform his "Moon Dance" just one more time...and stay there!